For many of us, there was never a clear blueprint for queer representation or lesbian culture. How could we know who we were allowed to be if we never saw it? Growing up, all we got fed was the hetero narrative on TV, in movies, and even at home. So when you finally start stepping into your queerness, especially later in life, it can feel like an overwhelming game of catch-up: deciphering flirting cues, learning queer slang, and figuring out where to find community.
I’ve been there. That’s why I created this for you to unpack it all in one place. Think of it as your crash course in lesbian culture, covering everything from style and romance to must-know books, TV shows, and history. I’m excited for you! Hopefully, this also helps you feel a bit more seen and connected to the wonderful world of sapphic culture!
A Manual to Lesbian Culture: Everything You Need to Know
Culture includes customs, behaviors, symbols, values, and habits of a group of people. We’ll decode slang, sapphic relationship habits, cultural resources and beyond. This is your guide to embracing the beautiful chaos of becoming. Let’s dive in.
Lesbian Panic (also Baby Gay Panic)
Baby gay panic is the whirlwind of confused emotions when we’re first experiencing queer romance. The paralyzing freeze with racing thoughts of “Is she gay? Does she know I am? What do I say?!” Trying to decode someone else’s signals while sometimes questioning your own. Are you not obvious enough, or worse, too obvious? Yes, it can feel embarrassing, but it’s completely normal.
Like a middle schooler navigating your first crush, except now the stakes are higher because your social norms have flipped upside down. That’s what makes it so uniquely disorienting: the lack of a cultural blueprint before us. In hetero culture, we’re practically spoon-fed representations about straight flirting, love, and attraction our entire lives from TV, school, and our families.
And for some, like masc-presenting lesbians who fit certain stereotypes, queerness might feel obvious from an early age. But for others, like us femmes who “look straight,” late bloomers, or those raised in conservative heteronormative environments, it can take years to break free from compulsory heterosexuality, an ingrained belief that straightness is the default.
PLEASE NOTE: Not to be confused with the brutal history of the Gay Panic Defense, a legal strategy that lets criminals assault or even murder gays by claiming their sexuality or advances triggered their uncontrollable violence. This is still legal. In 2018, the murderer of Daniel Spencer used it and received just a six-month sentence.
Romance: From Flirting to Your First WLW Heartbreak
The good news is that we are such romantics. I find myself creating and collecting sapphic love poetry, planning week-long extravagant birthday surprises, cooking dinner in an apron just for her, and dreaming of a warm, cozy domestic life together. And when it comes to touch, we’re incredibly affectionate, like puppies, always finding ways to be close on the train, while walking, or softly letting our feet rest against each other over coffee.
The bad news is that lesbian relationships have a reputation for moving fast, and I didn’t fully believe it until I found myself tapping the brakes on some of my first WLW dates. In “lesbian time,” even a single outing can feel like months of emotional bonding because we tend to dive deep quickly. It’s likely a reflection of how women are culturally encouraged to value emotional intimacy (in contrast to masculinity culture). But I had to learn, the hard way, the disciplined art of slowing down in sapphic relationships. It’s a practice that allows for a connection to be both deep and grounded, giving it the space to sustainably flourish into something truly meaningful.
And to get to that stage, is its own quest. If they don’t live in a city, it’s common for lesbians to use dating apps outside of their town and end up in long-distance relationships due to local scarcity of queers. But if you’re in a city, head to the queer book clubs, feminist meetups, and queer sports clubs like rock climbing to find women to either befriend or date. It is always easier to connect when you are in spaces you love.
If you’ve already found a girl you like, but you’re wondering, “Is she flirting, or am I reading too much into this?” Lesbian flirting is MUCH more subtle than hetero. It has delicate nuances like one-second eye contact from afar, light touch, personalized compliments, and flickers of facial expressions. It’s mostly non-verbal hints and vibes. And if you’re not “out”, it often includes a long slow burn with lots of “sapphic yearning” (think Pride and Prejudice scene where their hands touching sends them both spinning but they act cool about it).
When you finally land that first lesbian date, remember this: Don’t adhere to traditional gender roles, communicate expectations openly (like monogamy), don’t mention your ex, offer to pay the bill, sit side by side, intentionally take it slow, and choose a quiet setting that’s easy to speak to each other and comfortable enough to be yourself.
Your first WLW breakup, if it happens, can shred your soul to smithereens because lesbians can merge, enmesh, and bond in a way that goes 1,000 levels deeper than hetero relationships. If you’re there now, know that it’s completely normal and that the first one is the hardest, and you’ll be OK from here on out. This is often a rite of passage. Not only was it your first, but it’s like losing your best friend, family, and wife all in one. And monogamy is arguably not natural to us tribal humans, according to many anthropologists and sociologists like Cacilda Jetha (of Sex at Dawn). This is one reason why polyamory is so culturally found among many queers.
Lesbians staying friends with their exes is also super common, and it honestly makes sense. In many places, the lesbian community is small, so your ex is likely to show up at events or share mutual friends. Women also tend to respect each other as individuals and build connections that go deeper than the superficial. We genuinely and deeply get to know each other and form deep bonds, valuing each other as people. This is different from my experiences in the hetero world, where men often approached relationships through objectification, territorial possession, or a sense of conquest. Some exes remain distantly friendly, while others become close friends. However, if you are monogamous, a no-contact period after a breakup can be important, especially as a gesture of respect for any future partner.
Lesbian Fashion & Signaling in the Wild
“How to look more lesbian,” I checked on TikTok. I wanted to signal (the act of doing or saying subtle things so other queers know you are too). Here’s what I’ve learned. It’s all about decolonizing your style from the male gaze, from societal expectations, and from the constant pressure to perform. You might hate how trite this sounds, but at its core, it is about authenticity and expressing your truest self. That includes creativity and individuality (from neon colors to snake necklaces), practicality (like beanie hats and Doc Martens), and comfort (sneakers and flannels).
Also:
- Wearing lots of lesbian rings, especially thick chunky silver ones
- Sapphic jewelry with modern and historic lesbian symbols, from the lesbian flag colors to the double Venus signs
- Tattoos and piercings (especially septum). A 2023 survey says that around half of lesbian, gay, or bisexual Americans have a tattoo.
- Baseball caps and beanie hats
Lesbian Hairstyles: Queer women’s hairstyles often reflect a natural vibe styled through the lens of the female gaze. This means embracing natural textures, like curls, and moving away from trends such as bleaching hair blond (often tied to male-centric ageism, where blond hair is seen as making white women appear younger). Many lesbians opt for rocking their naturally dark hair, which results in healthier hair that’s beautiful.
Lesbian hairstyles also celebrate practicality and individuality. They can be comfortably short, styled into playful mullets, or feature colors like vibrant pink, or creative styling like Sailor Moon buns, all showcasing self-expression.
The Role of Lesbian TikTok in Modern Lesbian Culture
When the pandemic’s lockdowns pushed many of us to TikTok, we found a space where queer women and marginalized voices finally gained visibility. Lesbian TikTok emerged as a hidden gem, offering authentic stories and perspectives that mainstream media had ignored for decades. Lesbian TikTok creators shared everything from coming-out journeys to WLW heartbreaks, building a relatable and empowering space where identities were validated and celebrated
Lesbian TikTok opened the eyes of so many women, it needs to be studied. It’s been a major fuel of the lesbian renaissance. From viral queer promposals to cozy glimpses into lesbian family life. Moments like the Oaxacan lesbian Calenda wedding reaching millions remind us how far we’ve come.
TikTok has also been an education, where many learned lesbian cultural terms like “masc,” “femme,” and even the infamous “Hey Mamas” archetype, which are more than just labels; they’re us finally finding the words to articulate feelings we didn’t know how to describe before. It’s also where we unpack complex topics like compulsory heterosexuality when influencer Becca Moore broke up with Shannon over lesbians not being able to have babies.
It catapulted sapphic music, TV, books, and events into the spotlight, from shows like I Kissed a Girl (2024) to artists like Chappell Roan, found new audiences thanks to the platform. Queer-led events like Preciosa Night and lesbian parties went viral, strengthening community ties and giving visibility to inclusive spaces.
I’d say TikTok has opened the eyes of possibly millions of women to their queerness. That’s freakin’ huge.
Timeline of Important Lesbian History to Know
For centuries, lesbian history has been shaped by a complex interplay of visibility, erasure, and adaptation. In antiquity, while women-loving-women relationships were often ignored (“they were just roommates”) or dismissed, they were not universally hidden.
In ancient Greece, Sappho’s WLW poems are where we got the words “lesbian” (Lesbos, Greece) and “sapphic” (after her name). In other cultures, such as pre-colonial Africa and Native Americas, relationships between women were sometimes recognized and even respected as part of broader understandings of gender and sexuality. However, as empires expanded and religious, colonial, and patriarchal systems solidified, these relationships were increasingly stigmatized and criminalized, forcing them into secrecy.
The rise of Abrahamic religions played a significant role in this suppression, but it was not the sole factor. Greek and Roman societies, while more permissive in certain contexts, often ignored or trivialized women’s relationships. Later, colonialism imposed strict European norms, erasing indigenous and non-Western traditions that accepted or celebrated women-loving-women relationships. During the witch trials of the Early Modern period, accusations of same-sex intimacy were occasionally weaponized against women who defied social norms. These layers of repression were compounded by legal restrictions, such as the 1885 Labouchere Amendment in Britain, which criminalized “gross indecency” but left lesbianism in a legal gray area. It’s subject to social stigma but not explicitly outlawed.
In the 20th century, lesbian activism gained momentum alongside broader feminist and LGBTQ+ movements. By the 1920s, cities like Berlin and Paris became cultural hubs for queer women. Eva Kotchever, known as Eve Adams, created one of the first lesbian spaces in the U.S., Eve’s Hangout, until her arrest and deportation for publishing Lesbian Love. The Nazi regime criminalized homosexuality under Paragraph 175, forcing queer communities underground. The McCarthy era’s Lavender Scare (1950s) targeted LGBTQ+ individuals as threats to national security, driving many into deeper secrecy. Yet resilience persisted. Groups like the Daughters of Bilitis (1955) provided a foundation for organized lesbian activism, advocating for rights, visibility, and solidarity.
The Stonewall Uprising in 1969 was a historic turning point, sparked by a police raid on the Stonewall Inn in New York City, where patrons, including butch lesbian Stormé DeLarverie, resisted and fought back during six days of protests and clashes. This rebellion catapulted the LGBTQ+ rights movement.
In the 1970s, the Lavender Menace emerged as a collective of lesbian activists fighting for inclusion in feminist spaces that excluded queer women. During this time, Audre Lorde, a prominent Black lesbian figure, poet, feminist, and civil rights activist, used her work to address the intersecting issues of identity, oppression, and the importance of embracing diversity.
The 1980s also saw lesbians play a key role during the AIDS crisis as caregivers and activists, forming groups like ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power) NY.
By the 1990s, the Lesbian Avengers emerged as a grassroots activist group dedicated to promoting lesbian visibility and confronting homophobia through bold and creative actions such as the now-famous Dyke March, fire-eating protests, and hunger strikes. Their efforts paralleled cultural movements like Riot Grrrl, pioneered by the band Bikini Kill, which blended feminist punk music, zines, and art to amplify sapphic voices and challenge social norms.
Today, we’re experiencing a lesbian renaissance, fueled by everything from a relative boom in lesbian media and culture to even legalized same-sex marriage in about 40 countries. In 2023, Gallup conducted a survey among U.S. 12,000 adults. They found that 20% of Gen Z adults identify as LGBTQ+, compared to 10% of millennials. Lightbulbs are going off!
Queer Lesbian Media: TV & Movies
For decades, our stories were cut out or relegated to tragic endings and shallow stereotypes, but now we are taking more center stage as leads, heroes, and creators! And what’s more? We’re even getting happy endings, OMG!
Movies have incrementally embraced lesbian storytelling in recent decades. Here are the must-watch for the culture:
- Carol (2015) tells a lush and tender love story set in the 1950s, including the classic gay age gap. It’s now a sapphic Christmas staple movie.
- Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) is about a unique encounter between an artist and a formerly cloistered nobleman in 18th-century France that leads to a very sapphic romance.
- Love Lies Bleeding (2024) stars Kristen Stewart in a raw and intense portrayal of desire and ambition through an 80s queer lens.
- Lesvia (2024) captures several decades of the historic Greek lesbian island of Lesbos and the beach town Skala Eressos which has become a haven for the sapphic community since the 1970s.
- But I’m a Cheerleader (1999) is a cult classic satirical comedy, still years ahead of its time, that hilariously takes us through conversion therapy and a lesbian coming of age. Very relatable!
- The Handmaiden (2016) is an erotic thriller that weaves lesbian romance, deception, and revenge in 1930s Korea.
- Mulholland Drive (2001) blurs reality and fantasy in a surreal, intoxicating neo-noir mystery, featuring a lesbian love affair.
On television, sapphic storytelling has gone from blink-and-you-miss-it subtext to full-on center stage. Let’s start from 90s to today:
- Xena: Warrior Princess (1995) kicked it all off with fierce Amazons, lesbian undertones, and even a couple of on-screen kisses, making it a cult classic for queer fans everywhere.
- Then came The L Word (2004), which threw open the doors to show us lesbians just living their messy, beautiful, love-filled lives and redefining what queer representation could be.
- Orange Is the New Black (2013) gave us raw, powerful stories of sapphic relationships set against the backdrop of women navigating race, class, and survival in prison.
- Gentleman Jack (2019) brought queer history to life by honoring Anne Lister, the trailblazing lesbian who refused to hide her truth, even in the 1800s.
- More recently, The Ultimatum: Queer Love (2023) took us through the experience of people who really need to break up, but this time with sapphic couples and incredible conversations and cultural representation!
- I Kissed a Girl (2024) another groundbreaking lesbian reality TV show, but this one is with single queer women looking to date.
- Agatha All Along (2024), Marvel’s newest queer masterpiece, features a coven of queer witches on an adventure.
Lesbian Slang & Lesbian Types
Lesbian slang captures the humor, history, and heart of queer life. These words and phrases shape how we connect, reflect the times, and help us name the experiences that once felt impossible to describe. Here are a few of the classics:
- U-Haul: Refers to the joke that lesbians relationships move so quickly that they move in together. Rooted in a lot of interesting reasons, some great and others not so.
- Mascs and femmes: Mascs (short for masculine) and femmes (short for feminine) have their own gendered culture, mannerisms, styles. A lot of lesbians can lean one way, both, or neither!
- WLW (Women Loving Women): A term for women attracted to other women. Great for social media signaling and hashtags since lesbian is often shadowbanned by the algorithm.
- Hey Mamas: An F-boy lesbian that’s very flirty. They have their role in our ecosystem in that they often spark queer awakenings in straight girls and yank baby gays out of their scared shells. But don’t take them too seriously, as they can chomp your heart.
- Black cat lesbian vs. Golden Retriever: A personality spectrum in the lesbian world. Black cat lesbians are the fierce and alert ones, while golden retriever lesbians are naive, loyal types with their heads in the clouds.
- Sapphic: A historic nod to Sappho but also means romance between two women, “sapphic books” for instance. And it’s a great way to dodge algorithm shadowbans if you’re tired of WLW.
- Stone Top vs Pillow Princess: Stone Tops thrive on giving all the physical pleasure not wanting to be touched back though, while Pillow Princesses bask in being pampered intimately without lifting a finger.
Queer slang isn’t confined to the borders of English-speaking culture. Around the world, lesbian slang is also present in other languages, from Arabic to Japanese. In Japan, terms like tachi (sword or top) and neko (cat or bottom) capture relationship dynamics with the kind of elegance that only Japanese culture could perfect.
Finding Your Lesbian Community (& Where to Hang)
Lesbians are notorious for loving comfort, being homebodies, and preferring cozy over flashy. Unlike our gay men counterparts, we sort of culturally lean more “socialist” and less capitalist. I’m massively generalizing here (but that’s how speaking on culture works). So going out to meet us in the wild can be a little bit harder, but not impossible with some intention and strategy. Also, building a chosen family is essential for queers; we need people who get us. Especially when oftentimes biological ties can fall short or our childhood friends end up being homophobic.
Find queer places. I’m blessed in NYC with FOUR official lesbian bars. These bars aren’t just about drinks, they’re community spaces and often host events from bookclubs to drawing workshops. If you can’t find nearby queer spaces, go to queer-adjacent ones like a cozy feminist event, a reading party (like Reading Rhythms), or a niche art workshop, these interests are often culturally queer-aligned).
If you’re not in a city, take the train to your nearest one once a month. We have a ton of NYC lesbian meetups like the Lesbian Herstory Archives, queer pickleball, queer hiking, and sapphic soccer groups.
Check out the lesbian apps. Look on the LEX app to join queer groups closest to you. Hinge, Bumble BFF, and Raya can also be great for finding queer women to befriend (Yes, dating apps! You can even set the feature to looking for “friends”). Also, don’t sleep on old-school platforms like Meetup, Eventbrite, and social media groups (Facebook has lots of queer women groups). Just make sure it says QUEER and looks like it’s for women/NBs. Otherwise, if it says “gay” or “LGBT,” it might be full of gay cis-dudes, which can be a whole ‘nother cultural vibe.
Leave. Here are some of the most lesbian-friendly destinations in the world. I also have Los Angeles lesbian bars and LA lesbian spaces guides. And I just got back from touring all the lesbian places in London.
Don’t underestimate the power of sliding into a DM or striking up a conversation on your next trip. It might just lead to lifelong friendships or something more. But also work on yourself. Are you a good communicator? Are you a reliable friend? Are you willing to put in the work to maintain friendships?
Culturally Sapphic Books & Resources to Read ASAP:
OK, let’s start with the book classics. The Well of Loneliness (1928) by Radclyffe Hall boldly acknowledged lesbian romance during a time of repression. The Color Purple (1982) by Alice Walker centered queer Black love and resilience, challenging deeply entrenched systems of racism and patriarchy. Stone Butch Blues (1993) by Leslie Feinberg delivered a raw, unflinching portrayal of butch identity and the struggles of living authentically against a backdrop of systemic violence. Sister Outsider (1984) by Audre Lorde brings together powerful essays and speeches that explore the intersections of sexism, homophobia, racism, ageism, and class through the lens of a Black lesbian feminist.
There are also modern books to read ASAP! Last Night at the Telegraph Club (2021) by Malinda Lo dives into love and identity in San Francisco’s Chinatown during the 1950’s Red Scare. Hijab Butch Blues (2023) by Lamya H. is an unapologetic memoir that weaves queerness, immigration, and faith into a personal journey that redefines belonging. Jill Gutowitz’s Girls Can Kiss Now (2022) is part hilarious pop culture manifesto, part raw reflection on growing up queer in the early 2000s. And A Short History of Queer Women (2022) by Kirsty Loehr hilariously busts myths and rescues hidden queer stories from history’s trash bin, showing us just how long we’ve been here and how hard we’ve fought to stay visible. These are also very well-narrated lesbian audiobooks! And let’s not forget the viral Lesbian Masterdoc, which has been flipping lightbulbs in millions of women since it’s Tumblr days.
Decolonized Spirituality from Astrology to Witchiness
Queer culture is all about decolonizing, and that includes reclaiming spirituality. For instance, astrology has become a huge part of lesbian culture. Most of my first dates have involved comparing our birth charts on Co-Star. It is more than labels and the star’s positions, but a fun and meaningful lens to connect with ourselves and each other through ancient interpretations of spirituality.
Historically, “witchy” women were often demonized or executed for their intelligence, intuition, and independence, symbolizing everything the patriarchy sought to suppress. During the European witch trials, an estimated 40,000 to 50,000 people (mostly women) were executed. Colonizers would also brand non-Christian spiritualities as witchcraft, paganism, or evil, erasing centuries of precolonial and Indigenous traditions to justify their destruction. Today, queer women have taken back this narrative. Witchiness has become a way to reconnect with nature, ancestors, and inner power.
Practices like meditating over a candle, collecting beautiful crystals, manifesting through journaling, honoring moon cycles, and interpreting intuition with tarot cards blend ancient spiritual practices with elements that resonate in the present. This reclamation echoes the resilience of colonized communities, such as those in the Caribbean, who merged African spiritual practices with Catholic traditions to create syncretic religions like Santería.
The Lesbian Renaissance of 2020s
From mainstream representation to the queer digital revolution catapulted by TikTok’s power, the 2020s have been peak lesbian renaissance. And many even dubbed 2024 as the year of the lesbian.
Lesbian Tiktok propelled Chappell Roan to the top of the charts, achieving massive success in her lesbian songs after a decade of work. Billie Eilish made waves the same year with a song boldly celebrating sapphic desire. Rapper Young Miko also became the leading figure in lesbian reggaeton rap. Aside from these, more celebrities and public figures like Julia Fox and SNL’s Sasheer Zamata came out and embraced her lesbian sexuality.
Lesbian bars, once dwindling in numbers, are making a comeback. New York leads the world with four official lesbian bars, including the newly opened The Bush. Efforts like The Lesbian Bar Project (a two-season documentary series) and Moby Dyke (a book chronicling lesbian bars across the U.S.) have helped further amplify their importance while preserving their history.
Beyond nightlife, institutions like the Lesbian Herstory Archives, the largest collection of lesbian records (books, historic materials, etc) in the world has gained renewed attention, too. London recently opened the UK’s first queer museum: Queer Britain! And La Camionera, London’s second lesbian bar, just opened in 2024.
Sports have recently become another arena that’s boomed for sapphic visibility, too. This isn’t new as many icons have led this charge, including advocate Megan Rapinoe. But in 2024, in the WNBA, athletes like Angel Reese, Paige Bueckers, and Caitlin Clark brought record-breaking viewership to a very lesbian sport. And the 2024 Paris Olympics also saw 193 openly LGBTQ+ athletes, including six lesbians of the USA rugby team, who won their first Olympic medal.
And you’re here, too! You’re proof that the lesbian renaissance is flourishing, growing, and gaining power. Welcome home!
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