43 Lesbian Questions to Ask Your Date or Crush

Ah, that giddy possibility when you meet someone who maybe, just maybe, something could come about. Whether it’s a girl you met the other night at a lesbian bar in NYC, someone you’re chatting with on Hinge, or maybe it’s your new girlfriend, asking the right questions is everything for compatibility. Maybe she just wants a fling, but you’re looking for marriage. If you’re looking for something serious, you need to find out these things ahead of time. Vision, lifestyle, and values are key to a healthy, long-term partnership. And it’s important to gauge ahead of time so you can save yourself not just heartbreak and stress but the most valuable currency in the world: time.

We have to delve deeper. Not “What’s your favorite color?” kind of icebreakers. Meaningful questions for lesbians to help you connect on a deeper level. You’re not just trying to pass the time—you’re trying to see if this is your person forever.

Some of these questions are great for pre-date (like on Hinge). Others are perfect for the first date and beyond. Remember to check the vibe—don’t go too hard too soon, either.

Basics & Personal Background Questions

1. What are your pronouns?

2. Where do you live?

3. Where did you grow up? What was that like? ★

This can say a lot about a person’s culture, childhood, exposure and how far they’ve moved along. For instance, I grew up in the Bronx, which wasn’t easy but it enriched my perspective and is part of the reason I have so much fire and drive today. Maybe they grew up on a farm or abroad!

4. Where do you fall between the introverted or extroverted spectrum?

5. Are you neurodivergent?

There is a link between neurodivergence and queerness, so it’s a huge part of queer culture. And as someone neurodivergent, I need my partner to also be neurospicy. Some things only they can understand (if you know, you know). It can be exhausting otherwise.

6. What do you like the most about yourself?

7. What’s something people misunderstand about you?

8. Are you close to your family?

9. What were you like as a kid?

Queer Identity & Community Questions

10. What’s your sexual orientation?

For instance, are you OK if they’re bi-curious and experimenting with their sexuality?

11. When did you know you were queer?

12. Do you have queer community? Who are your closest friends? ★

Asking someone if they have a queer community/friends early on is crucial because, let’s face it, you don’t want to end up being your girlfriend’s everything. And unfortunately, this is not uncommon. No one wants to be in that emotionally overloaded dynamic where one person is the partner, best friend, therapist, and brunch buddy all rolled into one.

A strong, healthy relationship thrives when both people have their own lives, and that includes a support system of friends who get their queer experience. Plus, this question can be a great way to find out whether they’re prone to U-Hauling (lesbian slang for moving too fast).

13. How important is it for you to stay connected to the LGBTQ+ Community?

This question helps you figure out whether you’re on the same page about how much your queer identity influences your social life. Maybe they’re deeply rooted queer culture, movies, activism, and the occasional Pride event. Or maybe, they want nothing to do with queer culture or pride. I once talked to a girl like this on Raya; it felt like she had some internalized homophobia.

Relationship Goals & Compatibility Questions

14. What are you looking for? ★

This is the number one important question to ask. It’s simple yet powerful. If they’re just looking for a hookup but you’re already picturing shared Sunday mornings and grocery trips, better to know now. By asking what type of connection they’re after—casual or something more serious—you’re making sure your intentions align from the get-go. It’s not about rushing to define the relationship but setting the foundation for what you both want.

If you’re open to both casual and serious, you can say “I’m looking for something serious, but open to casual along the way.” I think this perfectly relieves pressure and opens you up for different possibilities. If you DON’T want casual, DO NOT TRY TO BE COOL AND SAY THAT. You could end up with a broken heart and precious time lost.

15. Do you have a lesbian type? ★

Woof. Not my favorite question because I hate to box us into labels, but the lesbian types question can provide insight into where they fall on the queer cultural spectrum. Are they into femmes, but you’re a butch masc? It’s not about pigeonholing anyone but more about understanding their attraction patterns and how they see themselves in the vast rainbow that is lesbian culture.

16. Are you a top, bottom, or switch? ★

I hate having to ask this question. But sexual compatibility matters, and if you’re a total switch but your date is a stone top or bottom, that could lead to some serious frustration down the line.

17. Have you dated women before?

Asking this on the first date can help you gauge where she’s at in her own journey and what kind of relationship she’s looking for. If she’s bicurious and just experimenting, that’s totally fine—if that’s what you want too. And if she’s a baby gay new to it all, you might find yourself helping her figure things out as she goes.

18. How do you feel about the trope that lesbians move fast in relationships? And how do you mitigate that risk? ★

Another all-too-common tendency in lesbian culture is that lesbian time works differently, and so our relationships can move fast unless we’re disciplined because keeping the pace steady and healthy is key to building something that lasts.

19. How do you feel about public displays of affection (PDA)? ★

Sadly, it’s not always safe to do this. So you want to gauge your partner’s comfort level with this. Does it match your own? Do you need to be hand holding all the time but she’s scared to do that in Alabama? Or are you closeted and don’t want to be outed yet? Etc.

20. Are you monogamous or poly? ★

21. Have you dated other POC? (BIPOC)

For BIPOC folks, this one can be especially important because sometimes you want to make sure you’re not stepping into a situation where you’re being fetishized—or where you’re going to be someone’s “first” in a way that involves more cultural education than you/they’re up for. It’s good to get a sense of whether they’re comfortable and knowledgeable about the intersection of race and queerness, or if there might be some growing pains along the way.

VISION Compatibility Questions

22. Do you want to live in X forever, or would you live somewhere else?

If you’re someone who dreams of moving to the mountains or a quiet town one day, it’s important to gauge whether they’re open to relocating—or if they’re married to city life forever.

For queer people, this question carries even more weight. The sad reality is that not every place is welcoming to LGBT+ people, and where you choose to live can seriously impact your sense of safety and belonging.

23. Where do you see yourself in the next few years?

An annoying question, but important because if you’re trying to grow your empire and rule the world in 4 years but they’re not as driven as you, are you okay with that? Or if you just want to chill and settle, but they want to travel the world and live out of a sailboat, this may not work out.

VALUES: Lesbian Compatibility Questions

24. Where do you fall on the political spectrum? ★

Shared values are the foundation of any solid relationship. You don’t want to be six months in only to find out your views on human rights, social justice, or even just basic decency don’t align.Asking about their politics early on ensures there won’t be any shocking surprises later—especially in today’s climate, where politics can be deeply personal, especially for us queer folks .

25. Do you want to get married? ★

26. Do you want kids? ★

27. What are your big three? ★

Astrology is a huge part of lesbian culture. The big three holy trinity of astrology are the sun, moon, and rising signs. For the believers, this question can reveal a lot about their personality, emotions, and how they move through the world. Even I’m into it now (and used to think it was ridiculous before I read my birth chart)!

28. What’s a cause or issue you’re really passionate about? ★

Questions on Lifestyle & Interests

29. What does your typical day look like? Including hobbies.

30. How much free time do you have right now?

Between work, travel, hobbies, friends, and personal commitments, schedules can make or break a relationship, especially early on. If you’re someone who values quality time but they’re juggling a packed calendar, that mismatch could quickly lead to frustration. It’s not just about syncing your availability for date nights; it’s about seeing if their lifestyle aligns with yours.

31. Do you like to party/drink? Or do you prefer being low-key?

32. City or outdoors? Or both?

33. Cats, dogs, both, or neither? ★

If you’re a devoted cat parent and they’re deathly allergic to cats, that’s going to make things tricky (and potentially life-threatening!).

34. Do you enjoy traveling? If so, what’s your favorite place or dream destination?

35. Who’s your favorite lesbian TikTok creator or trend?

Okay, this one is just for fun. But also to see how connected to queer culture she is. Because Lesbian TikTok has become a hub for lesbian media. It’s a lighthearted way to connect over one of the most vibrant parts of modern queer culture.

36. What lesbian podcasts do you listen to?

37. What are your favorite queer/lesbian movies, books, or TV shows?

Queer Relationship Style & Emotional Readiness

38. How do you like to be communicated with?

Some people prefer phone calls. Maybe your girlfriend likes to talk on video call. And you prefer audio messages. Some people are all about texting throughout the day, while others don’t want to or just suck at texting. This helps you not take it personally if there’s something off. Or to just know that they are a texter but evidently just not that into you to text you! This ensures you’re both on the same page—no ghosting or mixed signals here!

39. What does a healthy relationship look like to you?

40. Which are your strongest love languages?

Personally, I think all of us should have all the love languages. They’re all essential. But I get some people need/give one more than the other. So ask them what’s their fav to receive and give. It’s a great way to know how to show up for them as the relationship grows.

41. When was the last time you were in a serious relationship?

If their last serious relationship ended last week, they might not be in the best place to start something new. But if it’s been a while, and they’ve had time to process and heal, that’s a good sign they’re emotionally ready for whatever comes next.

42. Why did your last relationship end? ★

Did someone cheat? Were they in a toxic relationship? And if so, did they take time to heal or get therapy? Because toxic relationships involve two unhealed parties!

43. Are you over your ex? ★

A classic lesbian trope. Some can’t get over their exes. When you ask this question, read them. Also, read their vibe. Do they let out a big stressed out sigh when they say no? Do they fidget and take a pause to think?

44. Are you close/friends with your ex?

This one is really common and controversial in the lesbian community. I think if they’re still friends with their ex, it really depends on the dynamics. It can be a red flag or maybe a green flag. It really depends on them, the details, and your own comfort levels.

Lesbian Dating & Romance