Preparing for Your First Lesbian Date: The Do's & Don'ts

As a late-blooming lesbian, I remember my first lesbian date like it was yesterday (because it was just last year). I drank all the table water, struggled to keep eye contact, and panicked over who would pay. But despite the nerves, the date lasted four interesting hours, and I walked away with a new queer friend.

First dates, especially your first queer date, can feel like a beautiful mess of excitement, nerves, and possibility. It’s a dance of figuring out what you like, reading the vibe, and hoping you’ve found the one—whether that’s forever or just for the night, depending on what you’re looking for.

Add in the complexities of your queer identity journey, and those pre-date butterflies become even more intense.

So, here are the do’s, don’ts, and everything in between that I wish someone had told me before my own first lesbian dates. Whether you’re hoping to find your next great love or simply navigate the wild and wonderful world of lesbian dating, let’s step into that first date with confidence, intention, and just the right amount of flirtation.

The DON’TS: What NOT to Do

Don’t Assume Gender Roles

In a lesbian relationship, there’s no need to conform to traditional gender roles, AKA for one to be the “man” and the other the “woman.” You can be femme with femme, nonbinary with nonbinary, masc with masc, or a mix in between—the beauty of queerness is that we get to make our own rules, free from societal constructs. So, if someone is pushing you to act more femme or masc than you’re comfortable with, that’s likely a red flag. Similarly, if you’re expecting your date to fulfill a specific gender role based on heteronormative expectations, check those assumptions at the door. Those are man-made social constructs. And your dynamic should feel natural, not forced.

The key here is to communicate openly about what each of you prefers and feels comfortable with. Don’t just default to assumptions or expectations based on appearance or stereotypes. If you’re more masc, don’t feel pressured to present as femme (unless that’s something you enjoy or are fluid with) and vice versa.

Don’t Overexplain Your Baby Gayness

Let’s get one thing straight (well, not that straight): you don’t owe anyone an in-depth explanation of your “baby gay” status. Sure, being open is important, but that doesn’t mean you need to spill your entire queer journey on the first date. If it feels right to share that this is your first WLW (woman-loving-woman) dating experience, then confidently go for it. But if you’d rather play it by ear and let things unfold naturally, that’s totally okay, too.

Remember, you’re not the first lesbian to navigate the excitement and awkwardness of a first queer date—we’ve all been there. There’s no need to feel burdened by being new at this. You’re allowed to take things at your own pace, share what feels comfortable, and hold back what doesn’t. Just be present and be yourself.

Now, it’s true that some people may have concerns about “baby gays”—wondering if you’re just experimenting or unsure of what you want. But that’s where vibe and intentionality come into play (more on that in the “Do’s” section below). And if what you’re looking for is something short-term or casual, and you’ve expressed that clearly, then you’re good.

Don’t Talk About Your Ex

I’ve been there—sitting across from someone who just won’t stop talking about their ex. It’s like they brought a third wheel to the date–the ghost of relationships past. So, here’s a golden rule: unless it’s super relevant, don’t open the ex-files yet.

First dates are all about getting to know the current you, not rehashing the drama of your past relationships. If you dive too deep into how badly someone treated you, it can send a few unintended signals: 1) You might come across as having low self-esteem because you allowed that toxicity into your life. 2) It could attract the wrong type of person—someone who thinks you’ll accept the bare minimum because you’ve been through the wringer before. 3) Worst of all, you might unintentionally paint yourself as a suspect in the story, especially if you’re quick to label your ex as “crazy.” Spoiler alert: When someone calls their ex crazy, it usually makes me think they’re the problem.

It’s also a good idea to do some therapy and self-reflection to heal and work through any lingering issues from past relationships before jumping back into the dating pool.

If your date spends too much time talking about their ex, it’s also a red flag—they might not be as over them as they think.

Don’t Get Swept Away in Lesbian Time

Repeat after me: There are riches in the slow burn. If you’re looking for something long-lasting, it’s wise to take things slow, both emotionally and physically. Don’t rush into trauma dumping or physical intimacy or just because there’s a spark.

If you feel like things are moving too quickly, don’t hesitate to discuss the pace you’re comfortable with. One time, a girl asked that we not see other people on our first date! As a baby gay, I sputtered “okay” because I was confused, the chemistry was intense, and I was totally caught off guard. Don’t force intense topics too soon, but it’s also important to set boundaries and ensure that both of you are on the same page with pacing.

While deep conversations can arise naturally, avoid diving into future plans or long-term commitments on the first date. Oversharing too early can leave you feeling embarrassed and possibly up all night replaying everything you said (especially for us ADHD girlies). If you find yourself getting too deep too quickly, take a moment to ground yourself—maybe with a quick bathroom break.

Let’s slow down the lesbian U-Haul (see: lesbian slang guide). Relationships don’t have to be all-or-nothing from the start. Let things breathe, give yourself time to explore the connection, and allow the relationship to grow in a rooted way.

Don’t Put Too Much Pressure on the Date

Going on dates is so interesting because you learn so much about a new person from the perspective of: Will you be my new partner? Through my lesbian dates, I learned fascinating perspectives and lessons, from egg-freezing to real estate to funny blunders. I always left enlightened in some way!

But even better? If the date doesn’t spark romance—you can still add her to your circle of queer friends! It is very commonplace in lesbian culture to have friends that you initially met on a dating app. And we all need queer community!

So try not to build up a first date in your mind too much, imagining all the potential outcomes and putting unnecessary pressure on yourself to make it perfect. A first date is simply an opportunity to feel each other out. If you fumble it (overshare, forget to ask questions, etc), that’s OK. It’s your first time, and learning from every fumble makes you better!

If you’re nervous, consider sharing that with your date. It’s a great way to diffuse the tension, and who knows—she might be feeling the same way and be relieved to hear you say it.

Most importantly, focus on having fun and enjoying the ride. A first date is as much about the experience as it is about the connection, so let yourself be present and see where the evening takes you.

The DO’S: What to Do

Do: Offer to Pay the Bill

Especially if you initiated the date, offering to pay the bill is a thoughtful gesture that can set a positive tone for the evening. As someone who leans more femme, I have to admit, it feels really good to take care of the bill—it’s like, “Wow, I’m taking care of my woman!” Even if the date doesn’t lead to anything more, it’s still nice to put out those positive karma points into the universe.

If you’re the one being invited, offer to pay, too. “I got it this time,” you can say. Or at least suggest splitting the bill, especially if it’s a big bill.

Now, if you’re really into them, insisting on paying can be a sweet way to show your interest and appreciation. But if the date didn’t go well, or you spotted a few red flags, it’s perfectly fine to split the bill and keep things neutral.

Do: Flirt Lesbian-Style

If the vibe is right and you’re feeling brave, go ahead and indulge in a little flirting—lesbian-style, of course. Flirting can be a fun and subtle way to test the waters, and if she reciprocates, great! If not, she might just be shy or not quite ready, so it’s important to be mindful and tone it down if needed.

Touch is a classic lesbian way to flirt. A light touch on the arm, a subtle brush as you stand next to each other—these small gestures can speak volumes. Hands, in particular, seem to hold a special place in lesbian dating. I remember one date when my date got upset about something, and in a consoling way, I gently asked if I could hold her hand. That simple gesture turned into a four-hour date. Another time, a girl I just met at the bar subtly brushed her hand against mine before intertwining our fingers. You can catch feelings through the hands!
Sincere compliments are another great way lesbians show interest. But you have to be intentional. For instance, “I love how you styled your hair” is way better than “I love that your hair is blonde.” Focusing on something she has control over. It’s an excellent way to subtly queer-flirt.
Facial expressions can also do a lot of the heavy lifting. If you’re into her, let it show on your face. A bashful smile, expressive eyes, or a natural habit like licking or biting your lips can all send the right signals. Sometimes, I hold back these expressions, but other times, I let them show, allowing her to read my vibe. I’ll never forget the time at a professional conference when I accidentally licked my lips (a habit I have) as I smiled and responded to her question—she immediately picked up on my queerness.

Remember, flirting should feel natural and comfortable, not forced. And be sure to read the vibe and adjust as needed.

Do: Sit Side by Side

For many of us in the neurodivergent + queer community, eye contact can be a tricky thing. As I like to say, “You can either get my attention or eye contact. But you can’t get both.” Sitting side by side on a date can help alleviate the intensity of direct eye contact, which can sometimes feel overwhelming on a first date.

But also, sitting next to each other also opens the door for light, respectful touch if the vibe is right. I’ll never forget one of my first lesbian dates where I got so excited that I reached for her arm when she told me she was also a Survivor fan. Or the time when, during a crowded happy hour, the girl I was on a date with, leaned against me slightly—and I nearly melted right there. These small, meaningful moments of connection are much harder to create when there’s a table between you.

Do: Choose a Safe & Comfortable Setting

Choosing a location that feels safe and comfortable is key. Lesbian bars and queer-friendly spaces are perfect options for a first date—they offer a welcoming atmosphere where you can relax and be yourself. But most importantly, these spaces are ideal if you want to hold hands, go in for a kiss, or flirt without worrying about stares.

Depending on where you live, avoid places that might have a homophobic vibe or where you’d feel on edge. The last thing you want is to spend the entire date scanning the room for potential issues instead of focusing on getting to know your date.

Lastly, get a quiet venue where you can actually hear each other speak and that isn’t too crowded or loud. Overstimulation is the enemy when you’re already nervous, and you don’t need added stress on your first lesbian date.

Consider the elements too—think about avoiding places where you might have to deal with the blazing sun, high humidity, or pesky pollen allergies.

Do: Be Yourself

People can usually tell if you’re trying too hard or putting on an act. The best way to create a genuine connection is to simply be yourself—quirks, nerves, and all. If you don’t like something, don’t feel pressured to fake a laugh or agree just to keep the conversation flowing. You don’t want to attract the wrong person by presenting a version of yourself that isn’t true to who you are.

Also, don’t feel like you have to dress “more gay” if that’s not your style. Don’t hide your femininity if that’s what makes you feel confident. But also remember that, in the queer world, you’re also free to step away from the male gaze and express yourself in whatever way feels fun, comfortable, and authentic to you.

Staying true to yourself can be challenging, especially when first-date jitters set in. It takes practice. Be gentle with yourself.

Everything in Between

Navigating Awkward Moments

Let’s face it—awkward moments are almost inevitable, especially on a first date.

Awkward silence: If you hit a lull in the conversation, don’t panic. It’s okay for there to be some silence or to give space for the other person to drive the conversation. Alternatively, a quick change of topic can work wonders to diffuse silence.

Uncomfortable question: If you’re asked something you’re not comfortable answering, it’s okay to redirect. A simple “That’s a story for another time—what about you?” can gracefully keep things moving.

Miscommunications: They happen. If you find yourself stumbling over words or misunderstood, just laugh it off and clarify. Take your time when speaking.

Leaving: If the date just isn’t going as planned and you need to make an early exit, be polite but honest. A gentle, “I’ve had a great time, but I need to call it a night” does the trick. And if you’re unsure about how you feel, end on a positive note by thanking them for the evening and leaving the door open for future interactions.

How to Handle Nerves

Nerves are part of the package when it comes to first dates, but they don’t have to hijack your evening. Before the date, try some deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and body. Go to the gym to run off the nerves. Call your friends and tell them about it!

Keep reminding yourself that it’s just one date. If it doesn’t lead anywhere, that’s okay! Instead of letting fear take the wheel, focus on the excitement of meeting someone new. This isn’t an audition for a relationship; it’s a chance to connect, share a few laughs, and see where things go.

Basic Etiquette

Keep your phone tucked away. Checking your phone every few minutes sends the wrong message, and your date deserves your full attention.
Be mindful of your body language and tone. I once went on a date with a girl who talked so loudly that the entire restaurant heard your conversation. I was mortified and told her I had an x-ray appointment to go to (I did but it was actually at a much later time).
While it’s important to share about yourself, don’t monopolize the conversation. Ask lesbian questions, show interest, and keep the dialogue flowing both ways.
Arriving about 10 minutes early gives you a moment to gather yourself, check out the environment, and start the date on a calm note.
Above all, be intentional about what you want. If you’re looking for something specific—whether it’s a long-term relationship or just some casual fun—be upfront about it. Honesty is the best way to ensure you’re both on the same page from the star

Post-Date Etiquette

After the date, sending a quick text to let them know you got home safely is a thoughtful gesture (if you like them). If you enjoyed yourself and want to see them again, follow up the next day suggesting to meet up again soon.

A fun way to keep the connection alive is by referencing something you talked about during the date or sharing a funny video from Lesbian TikTok or sharing your favorite lesbian TikToker that relates to your conversation. A playful, light way to keep things going without feeling too heavy.

But what if you don’t hear back? Ghosting happens, and while it stings, try not to take it too personally. People have their reasons, and it’s better to focus on the positive aspects of the date and move forward.

Your First Lesbian Date: Frequently Asked Questions

Q1: Who pays on a lesbian date?
A: The person who initiated the date usually offers to pay, but splitting the bill is also totally fine.

Q2: How long is a lesbian first date?
A: There’s no set rule, but most first dates last around 1-2 hours—just enough time to see if there’s chemistry without overstaying your welcome. But don’t be surprised if it goes on for 4 hours, in true lesbian time.

Q3: How to flirt on a first date with a lesbian?
A: Think subtle touches, sincere compliments, eye contact, and letting your facial expressions do some of the talking. This also helps you make the first move.

Q4: Where not to take a girl on a first date?
A: Avoid places that are too loud, too crowded, or carry potential for awkward encounters—like homophobic people, exes, or high-pressure events.

Q5: How do you know if a lesbian wants to kiss you?
A: If she’s looking at your lips and physically somehow getting closer to you, she’s probably wanting to / waiting for you to make the move.

Lesbian Dating & Romance

Your First Lesbian Date: The Do’s, Don’ts & Everything in Between