Is it OK for Straight Men to Visit Lesbian Bars?

Lesbian bars hold a special place in the queer community, serving as vital sanctuaries where queer women can connect, socialize, and express themselves freely. As the number of these spaces dwindles, their importance has only grown, making the question of who is welcome within their walls more pertinent than ever. Are straight men allowed in lesbian bars? The answer isn’t always straightforward. While inclusivity is a core value of many queer spaces, the presence of straight guys can sometimes disrupt the delicate balance that makes these bars safe-havens.

Whether you’re a straight man or you’re simply curious about the dynamics, here is what to know before you go. From the significance of these spaces to recognizing when your presence might be welcome or unwelcome, we’ll explore the nuances.

Understanding the Importance of Lesbian Bars

Lesbian bars have historically been vital refuges for queer women. Not only do these spaces provide a reprieve from our male-centered, patriarchal, and hetero-compulsive culture, but also from the objectification and/or harassment that women often face in public, especially when displaying queer PDA. These lesbian spaces offer a sanctuary where queer women can more freely be themselves, make queer community, flirt, date, and even be physically affectionate, without being gawked at or made to feel uncomfortable

Remember, in the wild, oftentimes, we don’t know who else is queer! But in a lesbian bar, a queer woman can safely approach another queer romantically without fear of judgment or finding out they’re straight. Additionally, these bars are crucial for building community. It can be so hard to build queer community! But lesbian bars are perfect for meeting fellow lesbian and queers.

Unlike straight people, we can’t always just be ourselves everywhere else. Simply put, bars are rare and precious community hubs for queer women, where we can finally find belonging. And sometimes, straight guys being there can lessen this sense of community.

There are also stories of straight men making inappropriate comments, attempting to pick up women as a “third” in a threesome, and treating the lesbian space as fetish or novelty. These actions objectify, disrupt safe spaces, and are simply inappropriate.

Are You Taking Up Space?

Did you know? As of 2023, there are over 67,000 bars and nightclubs in the United States, but only 33 of them are lesbian bars. That’s just 0.0005%! New York City has the most lesbian bars in the world, and it’s only 4 out of 3,500! Moreover, there are way more gay bars than lesbian bars.

Given these numbers, many queers struggle to understand why straight men would want to take up space in our tiny lesbian bars that are overpacked with long lines wrapping around the block, especially in big cities like NYC!

Why the Topic is Gaining Traction & TikTok’s Cubbyhole Incident

There are two main reasons why the question of straight men in lesbian bars has been debated recently.

First, a viral TikTok video about an incident at Cubbyhole, a lesbian bar in NYC, sparked controversy. The TL;DR version is that a straight man entered the bar with an invitation from a straight woman (who was invited by a lesbian friend). When someone approached him and asked, “who are you here with?” Instead of pointing out his queer friend, he immediately got defensive in a way that raised red flags. His friend posted a complaint about it on TikTok in a very pick-me-girl manner, blaming lesbians. Then, in a turn of events, the person who had approached her friend posted a response with her point of view. She stated:

“I’m just like, ‘Hey, okay, this is a queer bar. We don’t have a lot of spaces. I’ve been coming to this bar for a long time. It’s a special place for me. It’s also a safe place for me and I have seen a lot of cis straight guys come into this bar and cause problems. Like, it’s a known thing. It happens at Cubbyhole, it happens at Henriettas, it happens in Stonewall. There are straight dudes that come into these bars, specifically ‘cause they’re trying to pick up girls. So I wasn’t trying to instigate anything. I was just trying, like, hey safety check, you know?’” – @im.that.lesbian

This led to several queer women chiming in with their own videos, including famous influencers. It sparked widespread social media discussion about the importance of safe spaces for queer women and the issues with disrespectful behavior from straight men in these settings. Then, the topic was picked up by several news outlets.

Second, is the increased demand due to a massive cultural shift happening right now. With the Lesbian Renaissance of the 2020s, there has been an explosion of women from all ages stepping into their queerness leading to high demand. As discussions about the need for more queer safe-spaces grow, the presence of straight men in lesbian bars gains more scrutiny.

So, Is it OK for Straight Men to Enter Lesbian Bars?

In the United States, straight men are legally allowed in lesbian bars. But they are in most cases, not welcome (see exceptions in the next section). Some bars may allow respectful allies. But as part of a marginalized community with limited safe spaces, it’s our responsibility to vet and vouch for any straight men we’re bringing along. Otherwise, inviting a disrespectful one in our space could create the very vibe we’re trying to get away from. We must be accountable for each other.

Many on Reddit’s lesbian and LGBT have used the analogy that it’s uncomfortable for lesbians to have a straight man in a lesbian bar, just like it would be uncomfortable for a straight man to be in a gay bar with gay men looking at him.

When is it OK for Straight Men to Enter Lesbian Bars?

There are certainly instances where it may be deemed appropriate for a man to enter a lesbian bar, provided his presence is respectful and supportive of the space’s purpose. For example, a man might visit a lesbian bar to celebrate his lesbian mom’s birthday, participating in the joyous occasion among her queer community with genuine respect and understanding of the environment.

Similarly, a brother accompanying his little sister to help her navigate the world of lesbian dating can offer invaluable support, provided he approaches the space with sensitivity and awareness of its unique dynamics.

In these cases, the man’s intention is to support and uplift the queer women in his life, ensuring his presence enhances rather than detracts from the bar’s atmosphere. It’s not predatory, he’s not a spectator exoticizing the space or with some fetish, and it’s not a married couple looking for a random “third” to experiment with–go to the dating apps for that!

Guidelines for Straight Men Visiting Lesbian Bars

If you’re a straight man with a good reason for planning to visit a lesbian or queer bar, here’s how to be a respectful guest:

Consider Your Intentions: Intention is everything. Think about why you’re going. Supporting a lesbian loved one? Great! Otherwise, it’s best to find another place for the night.
Read the Room: Be observant and sensitive to the atmosphere. Pay attention to the vibe and adjust your behavior accordingly. If it seems like your presence is making anyone uncomfortable, it might be time to leave.
Follow the Bar’s or Event Rules: Respect any specific rules or policies the bar may have. These spaces are often designed to be safe havens for queer people, so adhering to the guidelines is crucial.
Treat Queer People Respectfully: Be mindful not to make anyone uncomfortable. Avoid intrusive questions about someone’s sexuality or gender identity. Everyone is there to have a good time, not to educate or entertain you.
Be Mindful of Space: If the bar is crowded, assume it’s needed by more lesbian folks. Queer bars are limited and cherished spaces. Try not to take up too much room or dominate the space.
Don’t Hit on Anyone: This should go without saying, but lesbian bars are not places for straight men to pick up women. Respect the fact that most patrons are not interested in you romantically or sexually.
Support the Community: If you’re there to support a friend, show that support by respecting the space. Buy drinks, tip generously, and if there’s a cover charge or donation box, contribute. This helps keep these vital spaces open.
Educate Yourself: Before you go, take some time to learn about the history and importance of lesbian and queer bars. Understanding the significance of these spaces can help you appreciate why it’s essential to be respectful.

Are Straight Men Allowed in Lesbian Bars: Frequently Asked Questions

Q1. How many lesbian bars are in the USA?

USA: As of 2024, there are approximately 33 lesbian bars remaining in the United States. This number has seen a significant decline from the 1980s when there were around 200 lesbian bars in the country. The decrease is attributed to various factors, including economic hardship, gentrification, and changes in social dynamics and dating practices. And guess what? We’re the country with the most lesbian bars! So imagine the rest of the world.

Q2. Is it legal to ban straight cis-men from lesbian bars?

The rules regarding banning straight cis-men from lesbian bars can vary widely depending on the location and specific legal context. Anti-discrimination laws in the United States typically prevent businesses from discriminating based on sex, gender, and sexual orientation, which might make it difficult to legally exclude straight cis-men from these venues. However, bars that are considered private clubs often have more flexibility in determining their membership and entry policies.

Additionally, bars can adopt behavior-based exclusion policies to maintain a safe and welcoming atmosphere, focusing on specific disruptive behaviors rather than someone’s status as a straight cis-man. Policies like women-only nights may be designed carefully to comply with relevant laws and avoid discriminatory practices.

Q3. Are non-binary or trans people allowed in lesbian bars?

Non-binary and trans people are welcomed and accepted as part of the broader LGBTQ+ community. These spaces aim to provide a safe and inclusive environment for all individuals who identify with or are part of the queer spectrum, including those who are non-binary or transgender.

However, the level of acceptance can vary depending on the bar’s specific policies and the attitudes of its patrons. For instance, even in queer spaces, you may encounter TERFs. And while many lesbian bars explicitly welcome non-binary and trans individuals, some people may still be navigating how to best support and include these members of the community in events, language, and such.

Queer Identity